Again Again
by Moonchild10
Summary: Oneshot Kaoru x Haruhi. "Do you love her?" Kaoru asks as casually as he can, and Hikaru stares off into space for a moment, drawing abstract shapes on the sheet with his fingertip.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran... Bisco Hatori does.  
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_This is KaoHaru with unrequited TamaHaru love and some totally doomed HikaHaru love. Though TamaHaru is and always will be my one true love, KaoHaru is also a pairing that I feel a very soft spot for.  
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_Since TamaHaru is canon in the manga, this is 100 percent anime-based.  
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Kaoru Hitachiin has always been, despite what aunts and uncles have whispered behind he and his brother's backs at family dinners, a sensible boy. In his own way he is mature and level-headed and endlessly perceptive of the needs and feelings of those around him. So when he sets Haruhi and Hikaru up on a date on that warm summer day in Karuizawa, he knows that he is probably doing the right thing. Hikaru, though he doesn't know it yet, has feelings for Haruhi. So, logic dictates that as Hikaru's brother it is practically his responsibility to make sure the date happens.

Though Kaoru can't deny his own feelings for Haruhi, putting his brother first is simply second nature to him, and almost without hesitation he sets up the event, much to the chagrin of Tamaki, who spends the evening before pacing around the inn until Haruhi tells him to sit down; he is wearing a path into the carpet. The next morning, lying in bed, Kaoru wonders if it was selfish of him to almost not pretend to be sick and to go on the date himself. Seeing Haruhi's bemused and slightly embarrassed smile when he tells her she looks nice makes his stomach roll with what feels like regret for doing this for Hikaru, and he knows now, if he didn't already, that Haruhi has changed everything. Before she came into their world, he would never have dreamed of putting himself before his brother. She is the one thing that he has wanted for himself, that he hasn't wanted to share with his brother. But he knows after setting up the date that the deed is done; in a way it was his way of cutting himself off from an opportunity with Haruhi. Selfishness aside, he is also just a little bit-- just a _very_ little bit, he reminds me-- afraid of his feelings.

After the date, even though Hikaru and Haruhi don't even seem to notice, things are different. Haruhi seemed to have such a good time that even Tamaki subtly tones down his advances toward her, though it is clear to Kaoru that he still simmers with those turbulent, unrealized feelings underneath it all. Something has happened. The balance of the club has shifted. Even I notice, though I keep my mouth shut and watch it all happen from behind my clipboard, ever the silent spectator to the antics of the others. Kaoru retreats into a mode of trying to see Haruhi in a simply platonic way, but to him it is completely impossible. He has never felt this way about anyone before, and it shocks him to the core. She is beautiful to him, and he does not want to think so but can't help it. She is so intelligent and honest and so _different_ from the other girls he knows that she has altered his perception of everything. It is almost unfair that someone so precious to him can be so unattainable.

Despite Kaoru's resignation to let his brother be the one to love Haruhi, it is ages before Hikaru seems to realize how he feels, and even longer before anything happens. It is nearly a month after the festival that Hikaru kisses Haruhi. It happens in the sunshine in front of Ouran Academy, and it makes Kaoru sick to his stomach, but it makes him smile because it makes Hikaru happy. Seeing Hikaru happy is more important than his own feelings, and honestly he revels in Hikaru's happiness more than he thinks of his own jealousy. This is about the time he starts confiding in me, and I slowly learn the inner workings of Kaoru little by little. He is, more than I realized, a fascinating person. Meanwhile, Tamaki falls into a weeklong despair that does little to improve the mood of the club. In a way, all of us are affected deeply; our Haruhi has kissed someone, and for everyone but Hikaru, it was not us. It is a daunting thing to push away into a dusty corner of the mind. We are all protective of her in some way, though for all of us but Tamaki and the twins it is purely platonic. It takes a few days for us to not to be bothered.

After the kiss, Kaoru can fall into a comfortable state of numbness for a few weeks until things start happening again. Again, the fabric of the club is altered when Hikaru asks Haruhi to be his girlfriend. For a time after Haruhi accepts, Tamaki is inconsolable and Kaoru is grudgingly jealous. His bitterness melts quickly, and almost immediately he becomes supportive. He loves his brother and he is happy that he got what he wanted. This is more important than his own secret feelings for Haruhi, and for now he can forget them... on the surface. He watches the couple slowly come to terms with each other, he watches them go on dates while Hikaru assures him that he won't be gone long and misinterprets Kaoru's unhappiness as unhappiness at being left home without his brother. Slowly, things progress, and Kaoru does his best to get over her.

Kaoru is in his second year before things change again, and this time it is for the worse. Hikaru has always been a jealous person, and it begins to take its toll on his relationship with Haruhi. If he were still as innocent and naive as he was in his first year, Kaoru would probably say that it is Tamaki's fault, since Hikaru starts a fight nearly every time he learns that Haruhi has been alone with the blonde. Kaoru knows better now, and deep down he can blame it on his brother. He knows that Hikaru is childish and insanely jealous, and when he comes home angry, though Kaoru knows his twin is the one to blame, he is there to listen to him. It makes him feel guilty, however, knowing that underneath his supportive, brotherly front, he resents Hikaru for hurting her.

It is only a few weeks of this new development before Kaoru takes matters into his own hands. After each fight Hikaru and Haruhi have and after listening to his brother's words, he slips out of the house and visits Haruhi at her apartment. The first time, he is surprised by how apathetic she is about the whole thing; he had expected her to be sad or angry. She simply shrugs and tells him that Hikaru is a child and he will get over it by morning.

"Then why do you stay with him, if you think he's a child?" Kaoru wants to ask. But he doesn't because Hikaru is his brother and it would be a small form of betrayal to utter such words. And time, as always, moves forward.

"I just wish... he wouldn't get like this," Haruhi tells him one night as she makes tea calmly in her small kitchen. Her father is at work as he usually is in the evenings, and Kaoru wonders if he wasn't always here after her fights with Hikaru... would she be lonely? Is she glad to have him here?

"That's just Hikaru," Kaoru tells her with a fond but sad smile. "There's no hope changing him."

"I don't want to change him," Haruhi tells him, and Kaoru finds it ironic that the only person he feels deserves his brother is the girl that makes him stomach flip even now, though he has tried to forget his feelings for her for Hikaru's sake. "I just want him to realize that there's nothing going on between Tamaki-sempai and I, and there never will be. He's my best friend. I just wish that Hikaru trusted me." when she turns around, Kaoru sees for the first time the helplessness in her eyes. It is as plain as day, and he has never seen this side of her before. All he wants is for her wishes that she confides solely in him to be granted somehow, and suddenly he finds himself in love.

"I really like Haruhi," Hikaru tells him nearly a week later, lying defeated and angry across their bed. "So I feel so bad when stuff like this happens. I just wish I wasn't like this! I try not to get jealous, but I can't help it!"

"Do you love her?" Kaoru asks as casually as he can, and Hikaru stares off into space for a moment, drawing abstract shapes on the sheet with his fingertip.

"I don't know," he answers finally, and for a moment Kaoru wants to laugh at the cruel irony of it all. He is as sure of the love he feels for her as he is that his name is Kaoru, and here is brother sits with her heart in his hands and he isn't even sure how he feels about her.

"Do you love my brother?" he asks Haruhi several days later. He wants to know her perspective on the relationship, as much as it still bothers him to know the details.

"Did he put you up to this?" Haruhi asks in reply, at which Kaoru laughs and lies a hand on her arm. She looks up at him suspiciously.

"No, I just want to know. No matter what you say, I won't tell him. I can keep a secret. You can trust me," he assures her. "Just tell me; do you love him." And just like that, he can see it in her eyes. She trusts him, and he trusts her. It is almost immoral that they are bonding this way.

"No," Haruhi answers him, and it makes him jump with surprise. "I like him, but I don't love him, I guess."

Kaoru does not want to be happy with this answer, but he can't help it, and he feels that sting of pain inside at betraying his brother yet again. He feels selfish and detestable, but her eyes are the richest brown he has ever seen, and he smiles at her anyway.

"There's no shame in that."

The first time Hikaru makes her cry, Kaoru fights a surprising urge to go home and hit him. But he doesn't. It is strange to see Haruhi cry; he is so used to her being so collected and all in one piece. When she answers the door, she tries to pretend she isn't crying, but the red rims around her eyes make it obvious.

"Haruhi..." he is unsure what to say, and she quickly turns her back on him as he closes the door behind him.

"Do you want some tea?" to her credit, Haruhi only chokes a bit, but it is enough for him to close the distance between them. He hugs her from behind, and tries to ignore the thundering of his heart in his chest when he realizes that her shampoo smells like strawberries and that the small of her back is warm against his stomach.

"Kaoru?" she seems a bit bewildered, and he rocks her slightly.

"It's okay," he purrs against her hair, and to his surprise she turns and presses herself against his chest. Before he knows it she is actually crying, and it is like a sack of bricks smashes into his chest at the sound. He holds her and he whispers comforting nonsense into her hair. For a moment, he wishes he was Tamaki... for tono, comforting Haruhi is as natural as breathing, and for Kaoru it is a strange labor that makes him ache. All he wants is for her to smile again, but he isn't sure how to make it happen. The two of them remain locked in this embrace until her tears stop and Kaoru makes her comfortable on the sofa. Tonight, he is the one making tea as she has done for him so many times in the past.

"What did he say to make you so sad?" he asks finally when Haruhi has her teacup clutched tightly in her small hands and he is seated beside her on the sofa, his hand resting ever-so-discreetly on her knee. She has them pulled up against her chest like some sort of barrier to the world.

"I don't really want to talk about it," she tells him, and Kaoru nods.

"Sure." he leans forward then, barely breathing. When he kisses her, he wonders if he has lost his loyalty and his mind. He has seen her kiss Hikaru before, and it was never like this. Her hands grip the front of his shirt desperately and her knees slide out of the way so they can press together. The teacup sits forgotten on the end table and he kisses her sweetly for as long as his temporary insanity will allow before he pulls back. She looks a little surprised at herself, and they both blush incomprehensibly until Kaoru suggests they watch television. He does not tell Hikaru he kissed his girlfriend; he does not tell anyone.

"You should really tell her how you feel," Tamaki tells him, wise beyond Kaoru's expectations as he stands over him after club hours, watching Kaoru gather his books. "Or you might miss your chance." When Kaoru looks up, he finds the same wistful look on Tamaki's face that he has seen in the mirror a thousand times. It is a little sad, a little regretful. Tamaki loves her too, and in a way it makes him feel like maybe, just maybe, they are allies.

"I already missed my chance," he mutters, sliding his bag over his shoulder. "She's my brother's girlfriend, tono."

"It doesn't mean you don't still have a chance," Tamaki informs him, and Kaoru can't help but smile, amused.

"Why are you helping me like this?" he asks the tall blonde, who cocks his head innocently at the words. "You're in love with Haruhi."

"That may be so, but she is in love with _you_," Tamaki smiles a little sadly at this, and Kaoru jumps, his eyes wide, unsure of what to believe. "And all I want is for her to be happy."

When Haruhi breaks up with Hikaru, Kaoru is there for his brother as he always has been in the past. Honestly, he saw it coming. Hikaru is a complicated person. He is sweet and thoughtful in his own way, but his jealousy never fails to get the better of him, and Kaoru, seeing his brother so miserable now, wishes it could be different. In the quiet stillness of their bedroom, he strokes his twin's hair.

"Why did it have to be like this?" Hikaru asks helplessly, and Kaoru shrugs. "Why did I have to make her so unhappy?"

"You tried your best," Kaoru tries to reason with him. "Now maybe it's better if you both move on. You'll find someone else someday, and I'm sure she will too. The important thing is that you don't let this ruin your happiness, right?"

"You know what I regret the most?" Hikaru asks, and Kaoru shakes his head.

"What?" he asks softly, leaning down to hug the identical boy's defeated body.

"That I never fell in love with her."

Haruhi falls into step beside Kaoru as he walks down the hall after club duties one day second semester, and the two of them head for the front doors in silence. He can't keep the soft smile off of his face at her presence. Hikaru headed home earlier, and Kaoru is grateful for a moment that they are alone aside from the occasional student heading home late. It makes it much easier to soak up the simple feeling of walking together without the distraction of other people. There is a long pause before her small hand slips through his own, and he blushes, though he knows it would be unwise to shout with joy.

"You were always here, weren't you?" she asks. For a moment, Kaoru is unsure of what she means, and then he smiles.

"Of course I was," her hand is warm in his, and he trembles before he speaks again. "Haruhi... what happens now?"

"I'm not sure," she is smiling, and she looks confident. "But we'll figure it out eventually, won't we?"

Being around Haruhi is so simple, and Kaoru feels like laughing out loud. "Yeah," he answers. No matter what happens in the future, he knows that these moments and these feelings are more important than the past, and he clings to them steadfastly. He knows there is a good chance that they will be together, and he feels that maybe it's something that Hikaru is just going to have to learn to accept. "We'll figure it out."

Slowly, he closes his fingers gently around Haruhi's and they head for home... together.


End file.
